The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can I color on your dick again?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
