my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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