I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
