I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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