my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
