I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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