We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
