Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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