So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It was confusing and full of hummus
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
