I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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