Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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