We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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