she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i came on her dog
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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