Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
