I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
