i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
