So drunk its hurt
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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