New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
