**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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