angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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