He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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