dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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