if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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