I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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