Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
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Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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