This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
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