Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
