I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you traded sex for a burrito?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
