I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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