i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
