remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
