Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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