There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She bit a glass in half.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
