Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
