cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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