dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
