I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
