my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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