Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
