my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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