Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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