I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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