I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
