his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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