I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick