Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
