dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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