either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
