how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
