I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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