just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
