drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
