2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
