The maid of honor just puked.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
