I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
