How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
