Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
