her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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