hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
